the zig times third edition page 3

the zig times

Hog Capital of the World, IL. zig times farm & market special correspondent SC reports the

Cattle Ranchers and Pig Systems Association,

CRAPSA, membership is livid over

allegations linking terrorist biological

warfare and their industry.

Local spokesman, Farmer I.N. Dell

defended his product, saying “One

lousy cow. One lousy cow with a

funny hat, I mean, where’s the beef?

Its not like crazy cows are roaming the streets,

having unprotected sex and spreading disease, fur

chris’t sake! We’re a family operation, have been

fur years. It’s a bunch of bull.”

CRAPSA was quick to point out only 1 cow was determined infected and that current safety

measures immediately identified the disease, preventing introduction to the food supply. The CRAPSA press release also cited statistics proving this to be the first reported case of Mad Cow disease in this country, ever. The release was critical of the Bush Administration, suggesting Homeland Security an oxymoron, Ridge the latter half of the word, and their ineptness responsible for the current beef industry crisis.

“Only a red, a red like ‘RedTom’ Ridge would talk about boycotting meat, .. no Sunday STEAK, … why its prepos’erous! ….Un-American!” shouted an unidentified full CRAPSA member.

A TEAM back in Iraq

Hunting for bin bairdhula

DG. Somewhere in Iraq. A Team members, including their newest member, Ryu the Younger,

have assembled somewhere in the

Baghdad area to begin tracking members

of the terrorist group bin Bairdhula,

suspected masterminds of Kitty caper.

Sand Marshal Katt, affectionately

Mr Big, and A Team leader has been

sampling Baghdad cuisine while planning

the teams next move.

“General Meikle’s guys let ’em get away, bunch of morons” exclaimed Big, “I mean geez, can’t the

frickin’ army catch a rat? Well, I know I can and that’s exactly what the A Team’s gonna do, ’round up da’ rats!” Big added with a wink.

Recent intel delivered to Big’s lair

point to several of bin Bairdhula’s top

operatives hiding out in the greater

Baghdad area. (see map below)

The team crashed

one rat hole

scattering terrorats

everywhere. Five

were killed, two

captured and one

escaped.

“Ol’ D hit that big door like a Sherman tank, splinters a flying, D snarlin’ and snapping! What a sight!” piped in Ryu, the Younger, “It was Great!”

“Love that Iraqi architecture! It tastes

great and is less filling!” quipped ol’ D.

The team’s successful raid provided

additional detailed intel from the surviving prisoner.

The team’s spokesdogg, Spokesdogg

reported the team’s

mounting frustrations at

the Bush Administration’s

lack of intelligence.

Once again the prisoner’s

captured in the field

provide contradictory

details to intel provided by US forces and the CIA.

“They certainly counter intelligence, those CIA guys..” chuckled Big

Spokesdogg also reiterated the A Teams desire to “remove the gloves” in

handling of the Iraqi problem. The A Team’s effectiveness is being negated by the Administrations bungling.

“Those guys have no plan, no clue, no

hope, no ideas whatsoever. Our team can find not one scintilla of brain activity emitting from Capital Hill or the White House. How can they screw up a pile of sand so badly? Just add water, you got concrete parking lots.” added Spokesdogg.

A Team strategists contend the Bush

Administration’s Iraqi bungling has increased their difficulty in tracking down bin Bairdhula members.

“My nose tells me sumpthin is rotten”

lamented D. “The whole thing stinks!”

Spokesdogg

DG dateline Fallujah. General Meikle’s Marine 3rd Battalion, 1st Regiment appeared to lose the upper hand quickly against the insurgency in Fallujah, the Iraqi city that has been home to a fierce anti-coalition resistance.

The A Team showed up at first light with Big cracking “that they’d all be sipping “pina coladas by the Euphrates River by fifteen-

hundred.”

Big and A Team arrived in tanks and heavily

armored Bradley Fighting Vehicles and began

blasting cars and buses parked down side streets, in

case they might be booby-trapped.

“We plan on turning this area into parking” jabbed

Big with a smile, “Just add water!”

Regardless of how much firepower the Marines brought to bear, they were unable to silence this phantom enemy, which continued to fire on them from the buildings to the rear. The A Team quickly

took up positions turning their M-16s on the building to the west where they believed the terrorats were hiding. That was just the beginning. Heavy D, sitting in the armored turret of an Abrams A1, fired 40-millimeter grenades non-stop into the building. When it was empty, D grabbed the bazooka-like AT-4 rocket launcher and

let loose, its fire trail zipped into the now smoking pile of rubble

that was once a block of buildings.

“Welcome to the dogs of war,”

said D. “It will be hell,”

he added with a smile.

A Team Called to Assist US Troops in Falllujah

Which way to the beach? asked the Marines

US troops were confused ‘till the A Team arrived

Map of area (below)

Big aimed the Two Abrams

tanks of D and Ryu the

Younger toward to the

target. They fired their

main guns in unison.

Again, again and again. The explosions shook the streets. The A Team wasn’t done. They poured in more rounds from .50-caliber machine guns ‘till the once city block was only a large pile of rubble. The thankful Marines stood & cheered!

“That’s how we do things downtown!” laughed Heavy D.

The A Team then proceeded to complete a street by street, block by block leveling, destroying the city in its entirety. Sand Marshal Katt, a big believer in the scorched earth warfare philosophy and believes his objective is always ’total annihilation’ of the enemy.

“We will not pretend to act civilized during an uncivilized activity,” sighed a weary Big, “besides, total destruction always reduces ‘collateral damage’ to almost zero, an ya gotta love that, dude!” he added with a wink and sly smile.

the zig times, the dogg group and bs productions